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The Tabloid News Special Edition
The Tabloid News Special Awards Show Edition ' By Sir Pickles Editor-In-Chief of The Tabloid News 'FROM THE EDITOR ' We at The Tabloid News can not, will not, must not, and do not stand idly by while chicanery of this nature goes on. We are fairly certain that everyone is aware of the First Annual Mafia Awards Show, and the results of said awards show. It is obvious from the results that there were massive improprieties in the voting process. So, we bring you this special edition to bring to light the truth behind all the lies. But, first, we would like to point out that this was not, as advertised, the first awards show. So, we are reprinting an article from Issue #6 of The Tabloid News from several years ago when a special investigation was held for The Tabloid News awards show. So, on with the news . . . 'INVESTIGATION INTO AWARDS SHOW CALLED OFF from issue 6 ' A special investigator was hired to look into the legitimacy of the Tabloid News Awards and the possibly voting fraud. Pucked was the loudest denouncer of the competition. He told us, “Hmph, If I didn't win the sexiest man competition AND Tie didn't, it must be a fix!” However, after a lengthy review of the accounting practices, and interviews with the late Mr. Pickles and the awards staff, it was concluded that no malfeasance of any kind occurred. The special investigator, Mr. Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law, said “we have looked into the matter thoroughly and have found Mr. Pickles’ check has cleared. I mean, we’ve found no evidence of wrong doing.” As for Mr. Pickles winning Best In Show without a nomination, it was found that nomination or not, he deserved it. 'BEST CITIZEN – Miguel ' I can’t begin to tell you all the reasons Miguel should not be given this award. Actually I can. However, I will let my past investigative journalism do the talking for me. Remember such headlines as . . . 'OBLIGITORY MIGUEL LIKES GOATS STORY 'MIGUEL DEMANDS RIGHT TO BE SEXUALLY HARASSED IN THE WORKPLACE' These are just a few of the many incidents of impropriety and wrongdoing by the supposed “best citizen” Miguel. He is no role model for the children and should not have won this award. 'BEST FAMILY – Angels with Dirty faces ' Quite simply, how could this be the best family if I was never a part of it? 'BEST BOSS – Ronin ' How could he be the best boss if he never hired me? 'BEST INDIVIDUAL – Agent Funk ' I’m sure by now you’re seeing a trend. And, just what agency does Agent Funk work for, and how did he get his funk? We believe it is from the socks he never changes. 'STREET PRESENCE – Totally Guitarded ' Once again, it is not me, therefore, obviously she is under qualified for this award. The basis for her nomination was her expose on The 10 Commandments. However, our investigations into her background show she has neither been to divinity school, nor even read the Book of Exodus. Besides, if anyone knows about the Commandments, it would be Mr. Pickles. We reprint an article from Issue 10 of The Tabloid News . . . 'MR. PICKLES FINDS 7 MORE COMMANDMENTS' While Mr. Pickles was on vacation in Arabia found 7 more commandments Moses apparently dropped on the way down from Mt. Sinai. After carefully cataloguing them with the U.S. Archeological Association, Mr. Pickles is publishing them for the first time ever since God spoke to Moses in The Tabloid News. 1) Honor Mr. Pickles in all thou doest 2) Thine female virgins upon their 18th birthday shall be offered unto Mr. Pickles as a sacrifice. 3) Thou shalt pay unto Mr. Pickles 10% of thy wealth on the first day of every week. 4) Thou shalt subscribe to The Tabloid News and read it daily. 5) Speak not ill of Mr. Pickles or the wrath of god shall smite thee. 6) Concerning the breath of Mr. Pickles, only the penitent man will pass. 7) Remember Mr. Pickle’s birthday and give him presents. 'BEST BUSINESS – Randle P. McMurphy for The Mafia Gazette ' By now everyone is aware of the rivalry between the staff of The Tabloid News, and every other paper. It is obvious that Mr. Valentine’s Tribune’s “target” audience is lining parakeet cages. And, although Cadience Robson is nice enough, The Atlanta Inquirer is simply not The Tabloid News, what with their well researched “facts” and all. Who needs to research facts when they can just make them up? Now, as for Randle and his Mafia Gazette, just because his business has been around longer does not mean it’s the best. After all, he owes the foundation of his business to Mother and Carmela DeAngelis. Whereas The Tabloid News owes all of its success to the inflated ego of the Pickles Family. And, read what others have had to say about The Tabloid News . . . "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to" - Sonny Fontane “Like a literary colossus towering above the need for corroboration or fact!!!” - Minnesota_Fats “Guns are quick and painless. That’s why I use an Armadillo.” – TZ We are not sure what the last quote has to do with anything, but it is a good one. Perhaps the Editor needs to stop drinking? - Ed. Note: No I (hic) don’t! 'LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT – Albert Neri ' Born: Nov 28th 05 5:30PM in New York Died: Feb 12th 07 6:55PM in Chicago Rank: Consigliere Posts / Threads 1554 / 201 Mails 15188 Okay, he deserved it. But, an honorable mention should be made for TieDomiII just for being Tie. 'THE TRUTH ABOUT DARKSIDE ' Finally, we must discuss the man behind the farce, Darkside. Our investigative reporters have discovered several facts about this individual. Was seen dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight. Made a secret deal with Karl Marx for domination of Russia. Made a secret deal with Groucho Marx for domination of a moustache. Was seen eating quiche! How manly could he be? Smells vaguely of yesterday’s oatmeal. After these facts have come to light, it is easy to see how his secret lover, The Abominable Snowman, could have influenced him to rig the ballots and produce false results of the Awards Show. How else could he have some up with the winners he did?